1. “That’s funny, they never bite me”.
Well bully for you. I bet Johnny Depp told you how beautiful you were when you woke up next to him this morning too.
2. “But there aren’t any mosquitoes here. I’ve never even seen one!”
YES THERE ARE! Do not make me drop my pants and prove it to you. Just because they don’t like you, doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
3. “Are you sure those aren’t flea bites?”
Oh well thank you very much. Having had flea bites from working at an animal shelter, I can assure you that flea bites don’t normally swell up to the size of a Satsuma.
4. “They’re attracted to dark coloured clothes”.
Ah, OK then. I shall just burn the entire contents of my wardrobe and be left naked and itchy. Marvellous. And just out of interest, what about all the unbitten millions that wander around wearing black?
5. “Didn’t you see it?”
Yes I did. I saw it in the dark and thought it would be fun to see how many times it bit me before I woke up.
6. “It’s because you’re pale and have sweet blood”.
Very Constructive. Thank you. I’ll just turn back time and change my genetic make up.
7. “I read somewhere that they’re attracted to people who eat Marmite and drink beer. It’s the vitamin B12 you see”.
Why would you say that? That’s just plain cruel.
8. “You’ve only got 57 bites? I’ve got 62”.
It’s not a competition people.
9. “Would you like to come on the jungle/swamp tour this afternoon?”
10. “Why don’t you get yourself a suit of armour and a gas mask? Ha ha ha ha”.
Good idea, then when I hit you hard around the head, I can inflict more damage.
And things you should say:
1. Bless you. Can I buy you a drink?
2. Here, have this extra large tub of Hydrocortisone cream. Would you like a drink?
3. I’m a scientist devoting my entire life to the eradication of the species. Now, what are you drinking?
4. Hi I’m Johnny Depp. You’re beautiful. Can I buy you a drink?